...A Redemptive Response...

I am sitting here tonight sobbing.  Such a painful reminder of how wonderful adoption is and how messy hurtful adoption is.  I am reminded of a beautiful woman; you may have heard of her ~ Katie Davis.... and a wonderful quote:

“Adoption is a redemptive response to tragedy that happens in this broken world.” 

― Katie J. Davis, Kisses from Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption

YES it is.  I was blessed to watch a redemptive response play out this weekend.  You see my friend drove over 6 hours to stay at my house last night so she could go and meet her new son today. God is SO good.  They have been praying over this boy for months....no, really probably over a year...you see one of the extra special things about this; I put in interest to adopt this boy and his sisters.  I was turned down because I was a single woman (funny that now I have 5 kids in my home! LOL)...but this sweet boy has been separated from his sisters.  Honestly, we aren't really sure why.  It seems so not fair as there wasn't a safety concern for any of them.  But this sweet boy is in a wheelchair.  He has cerebral palsy. But boy oh boy is he precious.  OH, and the other great thing about this beautiful story: This is THE very same friend that thought about expressing interest in my new son.  GOD IS SO GOOD.  He new we would become 'aunties' to these sweet babies.

Like I said, my friend arrived late Friday night and I got them settled for a good night sleep so they could get up early this morning to meet their boy.  And I was fortunate enough to meet them and enjoy a simply amazing day listening to he infectious laughs and giggles.  Oh how he LOVED his new brother pushing  him in his wheelchair....get him to go faster and faster. Better yet, turning his wheels into a bumper car 'tagging' the other boys made us all have a good belly laugh. Over and over. God is awesome really.  When He places the lonely into families, He knows.  He knits them together....not from momma's womb...but knit together just the same.

And then theres the tragedy. You see, I just spent a good 40 minutes allowing my 7 year old daughter sob in my arms. Visceral deep sobs. Because I we said prayers and were thankful for a family coming together...the wounds were opened a little wider and a little deeper.  Lil' Miss just wished and wanted to be able to live with her mom.  When we talked more, she said she knows that it will never happen and its not possible. And she wanted to know where she is.... Well, at last knowledge, I know she has been arrested for several felony counts of identify theft and fraud in two different counties.  I also will not lie to a child.  So in the most tender way, I asked if she really wanted to know...even if it made her sad or hurt. She did.  So I told her. We had a good release of sadness and pain.  Afterward, we did as we should....and turned our hearts to Jesus and prayed.  Knowing we must pray for Mom to find Jesus so she will want Him more than the drugs that are currently controlling her.

We are not extraordinary women doing amazing things. No we or rather ordinary, allowing God to use us in messy complicated situations caused by a broken world. Women that aren't afraid of the poops of life.  Women that know even for all the frustrating moments that we want to pull our hair out, that these children are precious.  They deserve to know that they are special.  God loves them.  We love them.  We love them through all the mess.  We clean them up and help them be a little better.

So there it is.... wrapped up in less that 24 hours.  the  joy and heartache.  I ask you to pray.  Pray for the orphans that still have not met their forever family....pray for the families that still do not know that this is their calling.  Pray for hope, healing, and redemptive love and grace for all involved.

WOW! What an incredibly crazy whirlwind week!  Here I am getting ready to get on a plane to LA so I can get to Long Beach and meet my new son!!!

Vacation, Baby. Baby Vacation.... nope, VACATION BABY! A miracle in the making

This day was a roller coaster  of emotions and shows how "in flux" and unpredictable the life we lead in foster care is.

First let me start with today is the first day of a short but much needed vacation.  I am heading about 6 hours away to a friends house to visit.  They live way out in the country and are a large adoptive family...so I know they won't mind the craziness of me and my 4 fosters!  Also, I have a big BIG day toward permanency for my three oldest fosters.  We have our Best Interest Staffing this afternoon.  I am stressed...mainly because there are those that don't believe a single mom can/should adopt.  Let alone 3 full FASer kiddos.  But you know what...they need a family. They need ME.  Mom, who has been here for the last 2.5+ & 1.5+ years.  Mom who advocate for what they need at school.  Mom who teaches and teaches over and over and over and over...you get the point.  Anyway I am glad to be driving on vacation...as it will keep my mind off things.

SO...now for the shocker part of the day...now that it is about over, I may be able to relate what happened during the last 11 hours!!

We were on the road...ueventfully...car packed with 4 kids...and luggage for an army!  Yes we were only going for 5 days.  GOOD GRIEF!!!...anyway we hit the road by 7:00am and I was proud!  Eekers has never been on vacation...and its safe to say the 3 hour car ride when he was delivered to my house was probable his longest time in the car.  ever.  No worries, though.  I planned.  I packed squishy toys - just in case he got mad and beaned me in the head while traveling at 80 mph...i would not be knocked out.  I had color wonder books for everyone, the DVD player and movies, reading materials, snacks, drinks....you name it.  We were set!

It was a great day of driving too.  I pulled off the highway to drive off about a half mile to get right up under the windmills.  I pulled the car to an area that we were sill about 200' from it and opened the windows to let them all listen to the WOOOOSH  WOOOOSH  WOOOOSH  WOOOOSH

I was inundated with requests to get out...but my sanity was still with me.  Iron Man, Little Bit, and Li'l Miss would have been ok.  (I mean seriously after our adventures in the islands...heck, why not!!) BUT Eekers on the other hand....I still can not trust him to not turn and burn!  I mean a plus we are in the middle of fields...and he is shorter than the blade...but I would certainly end up trespassing....soo never mind.  We will save that for another day.

After several minutes Eskers began to live up to his name....so on the road we went. As we got on the road, I received a call from an odd number....Ohio.  I don't answer odd numbers.  I also got an email. Hmm...ok.  Now I will have to check you up:

My friend that I am traveling to see and I have talked many times about being home-study ready for special needs adoptions.  So many kids need willing families.  As a licensed foster home....I have a current home assessment.  I have "put in" for a couple kids...but nothing ever happens so whatever, right.  God just asks us to be willing and I have my hands full! (AND I still don't know WHY I said yes to little Eskers....gawd that boy is a handful of a hot-mess!) ANYWAY....way back last week on July 1st...this post came up on Facebook

and my exact though... "clubbed hands and feet...I could totally parent that boy...thats just surgery and giving him the belief that he can do anything!"  So I sent and email and filed out some paperwork... and saw his sweet face

thinking although "I can do this" but at the same time "nothing comes of these"....and I was right.  On July 3rd...Special Angels announced he was match with a family but asked me to consider a little girl: 4 months old, short statured and Deaf (Hey, I know ASL....sure why not.)

But here I was in the car....a phone call and an email...

Sara was calling me and I have to admit it was a quick conversation.  "...the family for that boy backed out. Will you allow us to re-present you to the birth family?"  Immediately and without a millisecond of thought "YES...of course!!"

And I hung up the phone. I said, "OK God, I am willing....but if this is you, this had to go quickly, smoothly, and very inexpensively!"  Yes, I threw out my fleece for God....I mean come on we ALL KNOW how expensive private adoptions are....right?  (Hmmph....I'll have to add another to our list of myths and misconceptions!!!!!)

anyway.....let's get back to the day.


 We drove for about another 30 minutes and stopped for lunch.  This time while pulling off the highway my car began to make some really odd noises....grinding and clunking. AND momma started praying.  I mean seriously.  I am still about 3 hours away from my destination and I have 4 crazy kids with me. LORD HELP!!!  I pulled into McDonalds and had the kids sit still...I did a quick one over and everything looked good....I also checked the fluid levels....ok prayers.  And a quick lashing at satan.  NO SIR, you will not steal my joy....and you will not fuel self-doubt about what I just said yes to!! I would be lying if I left it at it was that easy.  See it was there:
                    "You can't do this"                     "You can't parent another....."
                                        "Your single"                            "Look at the needy kids you have!"
"How can you even function without a husband when your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and you have no help?"

One good rebuke and we all go out and ate lunch.  I know if this is God's desire, he can work it all out.  We had a great quick lunch...without any major meltdowns. SUCCESS!! Potty trips and back onto the road.  Car was fine....everything was good.

I arrived at my destination and started to fill my friend in.  She immediately filled my ever emptying cup:  YOU CAN DO THIS!                            YOU ARE GETTING A SON!!
and moments later my phone rang.....it was Sara, "He's yours!! The family chose YOU!  He's yours if you are willing"
YES
YES
YES!!!!!!!  I leapt inside....and motioned to my friend rocking and swinging an invisible baby in my arms and pointed to ME!  And the room spun briefly.  WHAT GOD.....ME???? You really want ME???

Back to Sara....I can expect a call from the hospital social worker...but here's her information......




Miracles happen when we are just willing to say "Yes, God"


PART 2 TOMORROW

If you are pregnant don’t drink….If you drink, don’t get pregnant.

Last night I had the honor of presenting a great training on FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder)…yes I am slightly biased because I wrote the entire 2-hour program…and did the presentation.  I have done hours of research after having my three foster children diagnosed with full-blown FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome).  The statistics out there are quite alarming.  Really. It is sickening.  I feel for those birth mothers who honestly think it is safe because there are doctors STILL saying its ok to drink….a glass or two of wine a week.

 

Let me put this to rest for you.  Alcohol is a teratogen.  The Greek meaning is “monster forming”…. Yes, it comes from the Greek τέρας teras (genitive τέρατος teratos), meaning 'monster'.   I want to point out alcohol is not the only teratogen out there…others include varicella virus (Chickenpox), tobacco, Accutane, HIV, thalidomide, DES (diethylstilbestrol), radiation, lead, rubella, toxoplasmosis, most illicit drugs, and many other things.

 

Today, research shows that 1 in 13 women drink while pregnant.  There are two categories of women really.  Those that do this unwittingly; and those that don’t care.  Again I do feel for those that drink without knowing they are pregnant and my heart breaks even more for those who under the poor advice of their doctor feel that it is safe.  I am angry that even today with all the known results of children growing up with FAS, that doctors still refuse to properly educate their patients.  I am even angrier at those birth mothers that are too involved in their own addictions and life to care to stop.  Stop drinking.  Stop the drugs.  Get help if needed.  Do what you can to protect that baby.  Nine months really isn’t that long in the scheme of his or her life!

 

Society really has been quite oblivious to the struggles and the outcome of alcohol use during pregnancy and its devastating results.  Maybe it is because some teratogens are benign until they build to “threshold concentration” levels….but each woman is different, every metabolism works differently so there is no way to pinpoint a safe level.  And honestly….we don’t want to live in a culture that would purposefully do this type of testing on a human baby anyway...do we?!

 

So this is what I did to help drive my point home.  In my opening statements, I talked about alcohol and how it is a teratogen.  I then shared the safest way to represent our little baby is with the chicken egg.  I cracked two eggs into glass bowls, and then poured 190-proof grain alcohol onto the egg.  (YES, I know this is stronger that the average alcohol served in most drinks….but I only had 2 hours to make my point.) The audience gasped as the egg instantly turned white and began “to cook.”  (See above graphic.)

We do so much to advocate for visible syndromes and birth defects like Downs and spina bifida.  There are 6,000 babies born in the US each year with Downs Syndrome and over 30,000 born with FAS…but yet it stays hidden, unknown, untalked about, and largely undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. Why is this?  The dangers of drinking while pregnant are not new.  In fact, there was a reference made around 1350 BC, I dare say the first reference,  “Now see to it that you drink no wine or other fermented drink … You will become pregnant and have a son…” (Judges 13:4, 5)

We need to spread the word: If you are pregnant don’t drink….If you drink, don’t get pregnant.

Tough Kids Wear Pink

Today I am proud of my kiddo!  A notice was sent home last Friday/this Monday that today was "Pink Out Day" in honor & support of one of the teachers.  When I began to explain what his was and that they wanted all the kids to wear pink, Iron Man instantly went into 'rebel-mode'....funny thing thi teacher is one of his teachers....he goes to her 4x a week!

So I decided I'd design a graphic that could go onto a white t-shirt....as to not cause a FASD meltdown of Chernobyl proportions. And so....here it is:

  

I thought it was cool looking.  Well I also showed the kids a couple other shirts last  night...one said "Real Men Wear Pink" and suddenly it was COOL!  

So while running some errands I went to Michael's and bought 3 pink shirts... Printed and ironed on these....

I like it.... Would've done a few things different if I KNEW it was going to be on a pink shirt.....

The Roller-Coaster Ride Called Foster Care

Photo: HeraldSun.com.au

Wow, I really can't believe it have been just over a month since I last posted.  I have a few issues...the first being that as a single mom with three foster kids: I am tired.  WOW!  Seriously.  They go to bed at 7-7:15....and I am in bed by 7:16!  HAHA  Ok, maybe not...but close.  Most days are great...but there are many when I am just emotionally drained.

Today is one of those days!  Really.  We had Pooh here a couple weekends ago for an over-nighter...and IT. Was. Awesome.  Seriously. These kids are better behaved when the baby (toddler) is here.  I am shocked every time.  And that Sunday morning...all three boys "snuck" down around 7:30am!  I usually have to 'make' the two oldest stay in bed until 7 on the weekends!! OH, GLORY!!!!!

This past weekend, we actually had Pooh Friday- Sunday.  And it was beyond fabulous.  The kids love each other and life couldn't have been better...well except if he had already moved in with us!!

Today, the high came crashing down.  Apparently, the agency is requesting the state split these siblings....because "they have already been separated for an extended amount of time." WHAT?? Really?  So because they have lived apart for the last 23 months, someone has decided these kids can handle the lifetime of loss and trauma.  OH MY!

Research clearly shows that these children do much better when they are placed together as a sibling group.  It is hard to find families that are willing to adopt 3, or 4 or 5....or more...children together.  I have stated for the past year (After the Guardian Ad Litem asked me if I would consider adopting all four IF it came to that point....) that I would adopt all four children....and I have been asking for this boy to move in with us....with his brothers for the past 18 months.

Today is one of those hard days.  My heart aches for them.  They have already known and experienced more than any child should.  Parental rights are in the process of being terminated....and yet...someone, in some office, that does NOT KNOW MY KIDS....is willing to make such a drastic decision that will affect them forever!!

This, we must stand against.  It is appalling to me that with all the advances made in the area of child welfare we still allow this to continue. (For those of you that may now know: The first child abuse case in the US was brought to the courts by the ASPCA!  REALLY.)  We haven't made it very far in some ways.  You don't believe me?  Check here for a brief History of Child Welfare in the US.

Then please, pray & advocate for these children.  We must take a stand!  God commands us to care for the orphan.... James 1:27 can not be any plainer....."Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."  RIGHT THERE.....we MUST care for the orphans in their distress.  What is more distressing than the loss of your parents.....and then being torn from your siblings.

Here are some resources:
10 Myths of Sibling Adoption
Sibling Issues in Foster Care
Keeping Siblings Together Past Present and Future
Sibling Bonds & Separation
Alarm Sounded over Separating Siblings in Foster Care
Separating Siblings - The Liz Library
Sibling Ties

Dear Foster/(soon-to-be) Adoptive Mom

Dear Foster/(soon-to-be) Adoptive Mother,

Wow!  First I want to say,  “Thank you.”  I know it isn’t easy to love with every bit of your being with the little piece of doubt that creeps into your mind whispering, “What if?...”  Just sit back for a moment, take a deep breath and remember why you began this journey.  God knew what He was doing as He knit you, your story and that of your child, and just how it would all fit together; your strengths and her needs; your life experiences and his loss; your pain and their joy. And vise-versa.

Remember when you said “YES”…remember when your heart first began to melt.  You may have only had a 2-3 sentence introduction, not knowing the color of his eyes, the way her hair curls over her eyes, the dimples that now explode when he sees you.  You didn’t know any of it.  All you knew is that you prayed for the child(ren) that God knew belonged in your home.

Remember when you first met. Remember the scared little one that was so unsure if you were “safe.”  Remember how she ran right to you and called you “Mommy” because boundaries were never taught in her past because there were people in and out by the hour.  Remember how she was so tiny you thought she was ½ the age the paperwork said.  Remember the wide-eye wonder as you got to share that first play-day at the park.

And when you sit in the storms of life remember God’s promise that came with the rainbow.  When your 10 year-old had an ‘accident’ because…..he really doesn’t know why...Remember that in that moment he was just a scared little boy that was threaten if he dared to leave his room to use the restroom.  Or she wet the bed because if she got up in the middle of the night it would wake him up and bring on the unrelenting abuse and ”icky-touching”….but she forgot this place is safe.

Oh, I know how hard it is that your daughter doesn’t even know who her biological family is but she has to go on that visit anyway.  I know it isn’t fair but her case manager say ‘they have no choice.’  When your ‘gut’ tells you something is not right, remember to fight.  Fight for her.  You are her voice.  You may be in parental limbo right now and she may never know how you loved and protected her when the system wouldn’t.  Or couldn’t.

Now, Mom, you need to find someone to confide in.  Talk to that other adoptive mom that has been there.  Don’t fall into the trap that you are alone.  This journey often leaves each of us feeling alone.  I think that is Satan’s plan.  He doesn’t want these children to succeed.  He doesn’t want the church to rescue them from his grip.  Remember the” thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” (John 10:10). But you can offer Hope and the Redeemer.  It will be a bumpy road but you can do it with God’s strength and guidance.

The other reason why you need that confidant is that God call us all into relationship; Relationship with each other and with Him.  There will be times you need encouragement and times you can be the encourager.  Matthew 18:5 tells us, “Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me.”  And then later in chapter 25 verse 40 states,  And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.”  You see, we are following after God’s heart and although it won’t always be easy it will be worth it if you are faithful.

Go and plan the future.  Even when the future seems so uncertain: plan.  Plan the next family vacation.  It may be the first time they have packed a suitcase.  Plan the celebration of the upcoming birthday because it is likely they never celebrated their special day.  They day they were born may have been forgotten or cursed before.  Plan to build an igloo in the snow and teach him to make a snowball.  Teach her how to roll a giant snowman body.  Give them the chance to play in the ocean, dig for worms, go fishing at the lake, make homemade ice cream, lay in the dark and stargaze, make memories.

What if, you ask?  What if they go home?  Well hopefully it is to a home of restored relationships.  It will be to a parent that has learned to love and care for this gift from God.  How will you heal, you wonder?  Now that answer, is easy to say, but just like living the day to day….it is not always easy to do.  Pray.  You will pray.  Pray that the parents have patience and understanding with this precious child.  And today, pray.  Pray for you; to have insight and understanding; to listen to the words said and unsaid; to turn to Him first; to act in love, mercy and grace.   That God may always hold this precious child in the palm of His hand and keep him safe.  There really is no guarantee, each child born to this earth is God’s and it is His job to ultimately protect them.  No matter how the child joins our home and family they are God’s and we are just privileged enough to ‘babysit’ them for this season.  Love them, guide them, teach them, pray for them, cherish them for today, tomorrow, for weeks, for months, for the years, or a lifetime.

So my sweet friend, as you transition from foster mom to adoptive mom, know that you are loved.  Your friends are here for you.  God is here for you. You are here for those children. The days are not always easy but there is always at least one blessing even in the midst of the storm.  And just like Esther, What if… “Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”(Esther 4:14)

Have a Blessed Day (yes, even in the mess)!

Your Friend and Sister in Christ