Trick or Treat

One of the drawbacks to foster care is not being able to show faces....so if I can't share theirs...why share mine!?

Happy Halloween!

"...when dreams come true, there is life and joy."

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy.” – Proverbs 13: 12

I really have counted this as a blessing to be able to watch a momma fall in love with her baby.  New life is always special but when adoption is at the heart of a life changing experience, there is just something extraordinary about it.  Now, you may be thinking how easy it is to fall in love with a baby.  Squishy. Cute. Chubby cheeks. Yes, true.  But what about when that new baby is 5, 8, or 14?

My sweet friend was able to pick up her new son for another overnight visit and they chose to stay with me.  I watched a momma change diapers, help with muscle stretches, and dress her new boy.  Her sweet, adorable, happy, 8-year-old boy.  I watched this precious boy, who supposedly has major trauma and anxiety over going to respite just fall into love with his momma's tickles, hugs, kisses, and playful engagement.  You see, I believe a child knows when they are loved and wanted.  

Foster care is hard.  It is needed. Desperately.  When a family decides to foster a child or children, there is some amount of distance.  Even when they try their best to love on a child...there just is.  I am not sure if this is because no matter what you do, you know they are "not yours"....or if it just the self-protection that comes with the territory no matter how hard you try to go "all-in".  In turn, I believe the child knows and feels they are different.  Not wanted. Unloveable.  Therefore, their hope is deferred.  Hope for a forever family put on hold.  Hope for what was or should have been can diminish and fade.

So when that moment happens when a child is scooped up and made part of the family.  When he is grafted into the tree with tender love and care, he knows. He knows he is lovable.  She knows that she is special and wanted.  He knows you will care for me even in the poops of life.

So tonight, first hand, I was able to see  a glimpse of Proverbs 13:12 transform a special boy.  This sweet young man melted into his momma's arms as she rocked, tickled, and played. Connecting and lovingly looking into his eyes and heart. In return, he giggled, laughed, and even teased in return.  I believe, his dreams are coming true because there is pure joy in his sweet life.  Thanks God.

Hope & Healing with TBRI®

According to NationalAdoptionDay.org, there are approximately 100,000 children in the United States living in the uncertainty of foster care while waiting for an adoptive family. With an average wait of 4 years, more than 23,000 children are aging out of the system with no family or permanent home.  Right here in Kansas, as of 8/31/2015 there were 6,464 children in foster care in an out of home placement and another 1,025 waiting for a forever family. (www.dcf.ks.gov)  That is a large number of children living in our towns that have relationship-based disturbances stemming from histories of abuse, neglect and/or trauma.  And those hurts do not disappear overnight when adopted into caring loving families.

In spite of the fact that these children are adopted into families that have participated in 30 hours of state-mandated training, attachment problems, behavior problems, and social problems manifest in these children frequently. Often causing additional problems and trauma within the members of the adoptive family. Many times, these children are often labeled with numerous mental health diagnoses such as oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), reactive attachment disorder (RAD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, (ADHD), as well as many others and then they are known as an alphabet soup rather than the precious child(ren) they truly are.  And in all reality, we must remember the cause is the adverse childhood trauma.

Being aware and identifying the fact that our children have experienced trauma is by no means permission for the behavior.  Quite the opposite is true.  In fact, since we know that these children have been hurt relationally, we must help them heal in a relational manner as well.  This is where Dr. Karyn Purvis and Dr. David Cross at Texas Christian University’s Institute of Child Development have made such advances with the development of Trust-Based Relational Intervention® (TBRI®).  TBRI® is a parenting approach for all children but we are focused on children from hard places.  It combines structure and nurture in a way that teaches respect and compliance while also being loving and playful.

TBRI® provides parents, as well as other caregivers, teachers, and professionals ways to connect with, empower and correct the children.  What makes this approach so effective is the fact that it addresses the past relational trauma that adopted kids have experienced while giving parents the skills needed to help their children heal. The skills developed during training utilize the most current brain and behavioral research.

Many times, when adoptive families reach out for help they are deep in crisis or sliding there quickly and want to manage behaviors quickly and swiftly.  With TBRI® the main focus is really on three main principles: empowering, connecting, and correcting. Empowering principles focus on the physiological (internal/physical) and the ecological (eternal/environmental) needs of the child. Next, the connecting principles address the attachment and relational needs. Lastly, the correcting principles will bring about and teach self-regulation, boundaries, and healthy behaviors.

The first focus is empowering.  A child must learn that they have a voice, and a voice that matters.  When we are born into a safe, stable, loving family we learn this during the first year of life when we hear tens of thousand “yeses” to our most basic needs being met.  However, for the child from the hard place, we must recreate those developmental needs in current time through felt safety in safe, structured environments that provide sensory rich activities; proper nutrition with frequent snacks to maintain stable blood sugar levels; and adequate sleep and regular physical activity.

Connecting principles enable both child and parent (or caregiver) to experience personal and interpersonal activities and behaviors that build trust and secure attachments. Our same infant born into that safe, stable, loving family learned through the external regulation of a mother that was attuned to the needs of the child from food, to diaper changes, to comfort.  Now our caregiver must learn to be mindful of non-verbal cues so that adverse behaviors and basic survival instincts of fight, flight, freeze can be avoided long before a response happens. Playful engagement produces trust and warmth between children and their caregivers. Additionally, it takes about 400 repetitions to learn something new but only about 12 if you learn it while engaged in play. Who wouldn’t want that short-cut!

Finally, are the correcting principles of TBRI®.  As previously mentioned, many parents want to jump to the first, however, if we meet the basic needs of the child and are connecting, this often easily fall into place.  These strategies are very proactive and really designed as preventative teaching done through practicing of life scripts such as: “use your words”, “with respect”, and “Oops, try again”.  During this time, caregivers should be mindful of using the IDEAL response; the acronym is a simple reminder for care givers to:

            I—Respond immediately to the behavior (Hester, Hendrickson, & Gable, 2009) because research proves that learning is greatest when the response is in swift temporal proximity to the behavior.

            D—Respond directly to the child through eye contact, giving them undivided attention, and bringing them nearer to you physically for teaching and guidance (Danforth, 2006) because research documents significant shifts in brain chemistry and activity during eye contact and proximity.

            E—Respond in an efficient and measured manner. This is reflected in Levels of Response, in which caregivers use the least amount of firmness, corrective effort, and verbal directive that is required to correct the behavior (Hester, Hendrickson, & Gable, 2009). This strategy also helps children gain trust, knowing adults will not overreact to their behaviors

            A—The response is action-based. Redirect the child to practice an appropriate behavior alternative. Physically lead them through a real-life “re-do” when possible. Once the “re-do” is successful (because they used the appropriate alternative behavior), praise the child (Heimlich & Ardoin, 2008; Hohnke & Sur, 1999; Reed, 1996).

             L—Level the response at the behavior, not at the child. Never reject the child as a person,   

             only respond to the behavior (Barber & Harmon, 2002; Mills & Rubin, 1998).

It is vitally important to keep in mind that children with histories of complex developmental trauma have unique struggles and challenges for caregivers as they work to meet those needs.  TBRI® is a relationship-based model that can be carried out by nurturing and insightful caregivers and implemented in nearly every environment.  It is very holistic in nature, cost effective, and has huge potential for creating positive impact for children from hard places.  The most difficult hurdle to overcome, is that of the caregivers need to learn the skills of mindfulness and self-reflection of our own emotional triggers and responses we have developed from our own childhood experiences, parenting and attachment styles. However, once that is done, you will hopefully be pleasantly surprised by the “ah-ha” moments and optimism that TBRI® brings.

                    

     Barber B. K., Harmon E. L. Violating the self: Parental psychological control of children and adolescents. In: Barber B. K., editor. Intrusive parenting: How psychological control affects children and adolescents. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association; 2002.                          

Danforth J. S. Parent training for families of children with comorbid ADHD and ODD. International Journal of Behavioral Consultation & Therapy. 2006;2(1):45–64.

Heimlich J. E., Ardoin N. M. Understanding behavior to understand behavior change: A literature review. Environmental Education Research. 2008;14(3):215–237.

Hester P. P., Hendrickson J. M., Gable R. A. Forty years later: The value of praise, ignoring, and rules for preschoolers at risk for behavior disorders. Education and Treatment of Children. 2009;32(4):513–535.

Hohnke C. D., Sur M. Development of the visual pathways: Effects of neural activity. Mental Retardation and Developmental Disabilities Research Reviews. 1999;5(1):51–59.

Mills R. S. L., Rubin K. H. Are behavioral and psychological control both differentially associated with childhood aggression and social withdrawal? Canadian Journal of Behavioral Science. 1998;30(2):132–136.

Purvis K.B,  Cross D.R., Dansereau D.F., Parris S.R.  Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI): A Systemic Approach to Complex Developmental Trauma Child Youth Serv. 2013 Oct; 34(4): 360–386.

Reed E. S. The necessity of experience. New Haven, CT: Yale University Press; 1996.

...A Redemptive Response...

I am sitting here tonight sobbing.  Such a painful reminder of how wonderful adoption is and how messy hurtful adoption is.  I am reminded of a beautiful woman; you may have heard of her ~ Katie Davis.... and a wonderful quote:

“Adoption is a redemptive response to tragedy that happens in this broken world.” 

― Katie J. Davis, Kisses from Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption

YES it is.  I was blessed to watch a redemptive response play out this weekend.  You see my friend drove over 6 hours to stay at my house last night so she could go and meet her new son today. God is SO good.  They have been praying over this boy for months....no, really probably over a year...you see one of the extra special things about this; I put in interest to adopt this boy and his sisters.  I was turned down because I was a single woman (funny that now I have 5 kids in my home! LOL)...but this sweet boy has been separated from his sisters.  Honestly, we aren't really sure why.  It seems so not fair as there wasn't a safety concern for any of them.  But this sweet boy is in a wheelchair.  He has cerebral palsy. But boy oh boy is he precious.  OH, and the other great thing about this beautiful story: This is THE very same friend that thought about expressing interest in my new son.  GOD IS SO GOOD.  He new we would become 'aunties' to these sweet babies.

Like I said, my friend arrived late Friday night and I got them settled for a good night sleep so they could get up early this morning to meet their boy.  And I was fortunate enough to meet them and enjoy a simply amazing day listening to he infectious laughs and giggles.  Oh how he LOVED his new brother pushing  him in his wheelchair....get him to go faster and faster. Better yet, turning his wheels into a bumper car 'tagging' the other boys made us all have a good belly laugh. Over and over. God is awesome really.  When He places the lonely into families, He knows.  He knits them together....not from momma's womb...but knit together just the same.

And then theres the tragedy. You see, I just spent a good 40 minutes allowing my 7 year old daughter sob in my arms. Visceral deep sobs. Because I we said prayers and were thankful for a family coming together...the wounds were opened a little wider and a little deeper.  Lil' Miss just wished and wanted to be able to live with her mom.  When we talked more, she said she knows that it will never happen and its not possible. And she wanted to know where she is.... Well, at last knowledge, I know she has been arrested for several felony counts of identify theft and fraud in two different counties.  I also will not lie to a child.  So in the most tender way, I asked if she really wanted to know...even if it made her sad or hurt. She did.  So I told her. We had a good release of sadness and pain.  Afterward, we did as we should....and turned our hearts to Jesus and prayed.  Knowing we must pray for Mom to find Jesus so she will want Him more than the drugs that are currently controlling her.

We are not extraordinary women doing amazing things. No we or rather ordinary, allowing God to use us in messy complicated situations caused by a broken world. Women that aren't afraid of the poops of life.  Women that know even for all the frustrating moments that we want to pull our hair out, that these children are precious.  They deserve to know that they are special.  God loves them.  We love them.  We love them through all the mess.  We clean them up and help them be a little better.

So there it is.... wrapped up in less that 24 hours.  the  joy and heartache.  I ask you to pray.  Pray for the orphans that still have not met their forever family....pray for the families that still do not know that this is their calling.  Pray for hope, healing, and redemptive love and grace for all involved.